Leaders Are Like Onions

The Laughable Layers of Leadership

Jul 09, 2024

Ever thought about corporate leadership as peeling an onion? Get ready for an analogy that's as tear-inducing and odorous as it gets. Welcome to the Onion Structure of corporate leadership, where every layer you peel back reveals more tears and a distinct stench. Just like an onion, it's all about layers—layers of bureaucracy, indecision, and enough office politics to make you want to cry.

Layer 1: Team Leads, Managers and Directors, Oh My!

Welcome to the front lines of the Onion Structure. Here, team leads, managers, and directors reign supreme. These are the folks who keep the gears turning and the spreadsheets multiplying.

But don’t be fooled.

This layer is less about smooth operations and more about juggling flaming torches while riding a unicycle. Team leads are tasked with motivating their squads, managers have to hit targets that seem to move daily, and directors? Well, they’re busy translating executive whims into action plans. Each decision made here is a gamble, often resulting in more meetings to discuss why things went astray. And just when you think you've got a handle on things, another layer appears, adding more complexity and more torches to juggle.

It's a wonder anyone makes it out with their sanity intact.

Layer 2: Meetings That Make You Cry

Enter the second layer, where meetings dominate your calendar like uninvited guests at a wedding. These aren't your average gatherings; these are epic sagas where agendas go to die.

Picture this: Endless discussions that accomplish nothing, punctuated by the occasional PowerPoint slide that no one reads. The only thing more abundant than the coffee runs are the three more meetings to discuss the same thing.

Decisions that could've been email exchanges morph into hour-long debates, leaving everyone more confused than before. And just when you think it's over, someone calls for a follow-up meeting. It’s a vicious cycle of talking in circles, with every layer adding more voices but fewer solutions.

So, get your tissues ready, because these meetings will have you crying tears of frustration and longing for the sweet release of your next break.

Layer 3: Micromanager Madness

Welcome to the layer where micromanagers thrive. These are the leaders who believe that no task is too small for their oversight. Imagine trying to complete a puzzle while someone hovers over your shoulder, giving instructions on where each piece should go.

Every email you send, every report you write, every person you talk to and every decision you make is scrutinized to the point of absurdity. The constant meddling stifles creativity and breeds a culture of dependency. Instead of empowering their teams, these leaders create bottlenecks, slowing down progress and morale.

The aroma of distrust fills the air, making it hard to breathe, let alone innovate. It’s a maddening environment where the real challenge isn’t the work itself, but navigating the endless critique and unsolicited advice that come with it.

Layer 4: Consistent Inconsistency

In this layer, prepare for a wild ride of ever-changing directives. Where the only thing consistent is inconsistent direction. One day, the priority is innovation; the next, it’s cost-cutting. Leaders at this level seem to take a new strategic direction with the same frequency most people change socks. This inconsistency leaves employees dizzy, trying to keep up with the latest “urgent” initiatives. Plans are made, then scrapped, only to be revived weeks later as if they were brand new ideas.

The result?

Confusion, wasted resources, and a workforce stuck in a state of catch-up. The smell here is that of burning potential, as good ideas are constantly set aside for the next big thing. It's hard to achieve meaningful progress when the ground is always shifting beneath your feet, making this layer a frustrating and exhausting part of corporate life.

Layer 5: The Best Get Treated the Worst

Welcome to the never-rewarding layer of high performance. Here, doing an excellent job doesn’t earn you a break or a bonus; it earns you more work. Congratulations! You’ve proven you can handle the impossible, so here’s a heap of additional tasks with the same paycheck. It’s like winning a marathon only to be told you have to run another one immediately, but this time while juggling. The recognition you get is more responsibility, not a pay raise.

This layer is where burnout becomes a real risk, as the demands pile up without any additional compensation or support. The message is clear: excel at your job, and you’ll get the privilege of doing even more.

It’s a disheartening cycle that leaves many questioning why they even bother to go above and beyond in the first place.

Layer 6: Crazy Corporate Cliche

This layer is saturated with the buzzwords and phrases that make you roll your eyes. Everyday, in corporate conference rooms you will hear:

Synergize - Because work together is just too darn simple.
Circle back - AKA Your idea is so bad, we're hoping you will just forget about it.
Low-hanging fruit - The corporate way of saying do the easy stuff first, slacker.
Paradigm shift - When change isn't pretentious enough.
Thought shower - For when brainstorm sounds too violent.
Double Click - Corporate speak for let's dive deeper into this topic.
Drill down - Apparently, look closer doesn't sound painful enough.
Leverage - The verb for when you want to use something but sound smarter.
Touch base - Sports metaphor for let's have another pointless meeting.
Bandwidth - Because time and energy is too human-sounding.
Due diligence - The politically correct term for cover your ass.
Pivot - the corporate world's favorite euphemism for Oh shit, this isn't working, quick, do something else!
Disrupt - We've found a way to make simple tasks unnecessarily complicated and call it innovation.
Opportunity - is like being offered a chance to clean the office bathroom with your toothbrush.
Stand-up Meetings - A drawn-out ordeal where everyone takes turns reciting their to-do lists like it's show-and-tell for adults.
Brown-bag - A thinly veiled attempt to steal your lunch break and force-feed you corporate Kool-Aid along with your soggy tuna sandwich. A sandwich you had to provide nonetheless.

These words are tossed around like confetti at a parade. It’s a language that tries to sound insightful but just makes them sound silly. Leaders spout these cliches in meetings, presentations, and emails, thinking they add weight to their words. Instead, they create a fog of vagueness that leaves everyone more confused.

Homework

So after work, go to the bar and tell your buddies you had a thought shower about their low hanging fruit and after some due diligence decided take this opportunity to leverage your bandwidth and drill down into their brown bag.

Please circle back I’d like to touch base afterwards. I can’t wait to hear how it went.