Do You Hate the Holidays?
Dark Depression and the Holiday Season
I hate the holidays. There I said it. I hate them for myself and for many others for whom this time of the year brings the worst depression. While most of the people are complaining about the traffic, or “If I have to go to one more Christmas party!”, there those who spend holiday season alone.
No parties to attend. No gifts to buy. No holiday table filled with food or family.
The Shift
There were two significant life events which caused a seismic shift to the future of the holiday season.
The first from my divorce in 2017 caused by my public admission that I am gay. The entire immediate family, extended family and myself experienced a cascade of emotions. There are no winners in a divorce.
I am not looking for sympathy as I counted the cost and understood the consequences of my admission. I also am aware there are many family members and former friends who would say I am “getting what I deserve.”
Don’t view this article as some flimsy attempt to garnish sympathy. It is not.
That same year I experienced the greatest loss of my life when my mother died after a battle with cancer. My mom was my best friend, my rock, my confidante, and my prayer warrior. This loss was massive and left a hole in my heart which will never fully heal.
The Burden
The pressure to be ‘merry and bright’ is overwhelming. Every store blasts holiday music, every TV show features cheerful characters, and social media overflows with perfect family gatherings. It's a constant reminder that you're not living up to the holiday ideal.
As someone who deals with depression to some level on a daily basis, I find it is the darkest from Thanksgiving Eve and through New Years day. During these few weeks I lose the ability to care about anything.
I am numb.
I simply exist.
Going through the motions of life.
The Choice
Now, I spend the holidays alone by choice. It is quiet. In some strange way the solitude brings peace which I cannot fully understand.
This self-imposed solitude during the holidays is a form of self-preservation. It's about protecting my mental health and well-being.
The Loneliness
Despite choosing to be alone, the holidays can still be incredibly lonely. You see people around you who seem to have it all together—the perfect family, the perfect home, the perfect life—and it makes you feel even more isolated.
I reminisce about childhood Christmas memories, family tables full of people and food, and the laughter of friends as we played games waiting to ring in the new year.
As I think about these things my heart begins to smile, and hot tears fall from my face.
The Guilt
There's a deep-seated guilt that comes with not enjoying the holidays. You feel like you're somehow broken or flawed because you can't find the joy that everyone else seems to have. This guilt can be paralyzing, making it even harder to navigate the already challenging holiday season.
I've often found myself wondering if there's something wrong with me. Why can't I just be happy like everyone else? Why do I feel so overwhelmed and sad when the world around me is celebrating?
The Journey
Coming out, going through a divorce, losing my mother and choosing to spend the holidays alone have all been part of a larger journey of self-discovery. Each year, I learn a little more about what I need, what I can handle, and what brings me genuine peace.
In 2017 I stopped going to church and walked away from God.
I was angry.
I was bitter.
That all changed this year when, through a series of events, God showed up at my doorstep and I let him in. In a matter of weeks I started regularly attending Park Church, joined the choir and became a member.
Finally able to reconcile my faith with my identity. I found the missing puzzle piece of my life and know I am designed perfectly by God.
The Acceptance
Acceptance has been key. Accepting that it's okay to not enjoy the holidays, accepting that my feelings are valid, and accepting that I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not.
It's taken me a long time to come to this place of acceptance. For years after 2017, I tried to fit into the mold of what I thought the holidays should be. But now, I've learned to embrace my own feelings and experiences, even when they don't align with societal norms.
The Peace
While I still struggle with the holidays, I've found that each year gets a little easier. The pain doesn't disappear, but it becomes more manageable. I've learned to set boundaries, to prioritize self-care, and to be honest about my needs.
I'm learning to find moments of peace, even in solitude. Sometimes it's in the quiet of a winter morning, or in a heartfelt conversation with a friend who understands. These moments remind me that while the holidays have changed for me, they're not devoid of meaning or worth.
The Challenge
As for me, I'm still on this journey. I may never love the holidays again, but I'm learning to navigate them in a way that honors my truth and protects my well-being. And maybe, just maybe, I'll find new ways to create meaning during this challenging time of year, even in the solitude I've chosen for myself.